While some couples who have been together for decades can become quite detached from one another, others couples seem to drift apart not long after they have moved in together or gotten married.   One person may begin to retreat from activities that were nurturing the intimacy and security of the relationship.  They might do this by going to bed at different times, staying at work late, hanging out with friends more, focusing on hobbies, avoiding sexual intimacy and not sharing important personal information.  While we all might do this from time to time and then return to our partner in this instance the withdrawing characteristic have become a habit.

In his book “The Seven Principals For Making Marriage Work”  John Gottman Psychologist and marriage researcher of more than 25 years has used the term “masters and disasters” of relationships to describe how effective partners nurture their marriage.  He noted that the “masters” are turning towards rather than turning away from their partner.  He observed that in good marriages couples engage in lots of chitchat.  For example:  Husband looks out the window and says, “Wow, look at that boat,” and the wife peers over her magazine and say, “Yeah, it looks like the big schooner we saw last summer, remember?” and the husband nods.    In these brief exchanges the couple are connecting, and therefore filling up each other’s love bank.   This might seem odd as Hollywood movies have given us the idea that romance is all about the grand gestures, candle lit dinners and swooning as your lover kisses you.    Love and passion are kept alive by staying connected on a daily basis. 

Further traits that destroy intimacy in a relationship are:

1. Refusal to talk about issues – no resolution or repair
2. Not talking to your partner for hours or days after a fight or misunderstanding
3. Frequently refusing sex because you are holding a grudge
4. Only engage in sex as a physical act and not being emotionally present
5. Walking out or leaving during an argument (this is different from having a time out)
6. Habitual criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling
7. Spending too much time on your phone, computer and games
8. Controlling behaviours
9. No fondness and admiration being routinely expressed
10. Your partner can withhold affection towards you but be very focused on pleasing others and superficial connection with strangers.
11. Fantasying about the one that got away

Psychologists Amir Levine & Rachel Heller in their book “Attached” have suggested some reasons why your partner might be like this.  

1. They are fearful of rejection and judgement
2. They prioritise their independence above the needs of the relationship
3. They need to be in control and will not let people get close

Wendy & Larry Malts Therapists from the USA and authors of “The Porn Trap”  suggest a possible additional reason for distance in the relationship being due to a partner struggling with issues related to pornography and or sex addiction

What can we do?

If you feel that you are just living like flatmates and intimacy avoidance is running your relationship talk the issue over with your partner ask them how they feel about the relationship and give voice to your hopes for the future together as well as your current concerns, then it’s a good idea to talk to a trained marriage or relationship counsellor.  Talking to the right counsellor can assist you to make your relationship more vibrant and satisfying. 

David Nielsen Counselling Services in Canberra 0405 321 090.

Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr.Julie Schwartz Gottman, are the world’s foremost researchers in understanding relationships. They invite couples to come into their research laboratory and talk and argue about topics of their choice. They wire the couples up to sensory data machines and analyse the videotapes frame by frame to understand the complexities of human interaction. Gottman follows the couples long term to see who stays together. He can predict which couples will stay together after nine years with 90% accuracy after hearing just three minutes of their arguments!

Gottman found that there are basic verbal reactions that bond people together and cement relationships. He has identified the emotional command systems that people use to try to gain attention and love. He calls this the bidding process.

Positive bids are words, questions, gestures, looks, and ways of touching that reach out to the partner to say, ” I want to be closer to you.” The emotional needs that are met by bids includes

1. to be included
2. to have a sense of control over their life
3. to be liked.

Parents Teach Children to Deal with Feelings and Respond to Bids

Emotional bids are learned in infancy when the child cries and the parents respond either with attention, irritability or disinterest. The parent models the learned skill of validating the child by paying positive attention to him. The child practices his own emotional bidding first with family and then making and maintaining friends. Some children are quite adept at learning and reading social cues in relationships. Failure to learn the appropriate connecting skills typically results in non-nurturing friendships and later in failure in marriages.

Ways That Families Deal With Feelings That Increase Positive Bidding

1. Emotional Coaching: accepting feelings and helping the child problem solve the issue.

• You can get angry, but you must not yell at me. Talk to me about what upsets you.
• I know you feel scared. What can you do to take care of these feelings?
• When you are angry, you can draw a picture of your feelings.
• Let’s talk about what you are feeling, and we can figure out what to do.

2. Dismissing Feelings: This includes silence or disparaging the child for having feelings. Fears are minimized and tears are ignored so the child learns to ignore his own feelings to fit into the family.

• Shame on you for being afraid. You are a big boy.
• If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.
• Cheer up. Put a smile on your face and get on with it.
• You shouldn’t feel that way.

3. Laissez-faire: These parents acknowledge the feelings, but let the situation pass without problem solving. The parents typically do not have the skills to help the child work through his upset feelings or they are too busy with other things.

• You are feeling sad right now.
• I can tell that you are angry with me.
• I know you are frightened.
• I understand how you feel.

4. Disapproving of Emotions: Parents scold and reprimand the children with shame statements and put-downs. The children learn to hide their feelings and discount them. This form of parenting develops children who feel ashamed about having feelings which are a normal part of life. These children grow up insecure and unequipped to be in partnerships.

• Oh stop your whining and crying. Grow up!
• Ha. Ha. Look at the little cry-baby.
• What is the matter with you now?
• Don’t act like a two year old. You are a big boy now.

Gottman describes the type of family philosophy regarding feelings that help children be secure and strong:

“In our two ten-year studies of more than one hundred families, the answer is clear. Families that create emotion-coaching environments fare much better than families that are dismissing, disapproving or have a laissez-faire attitude towards emotions. Couples who accept, respect and honour each other’s feelings are less likely to divorce. Their children tend to do better over the years as well. Because these emotional-coaching families create environments that help children regulate their feelings, their children can concentrate better than the kids in the other groups. They get better grades in school. They have fewer behaviour problems and they get along better with their peers. Lab results show that they have fewer stress-related hormones in their bloodstreams and that over time, they suffer from fewer minor health problems like coughs and colds.”

Ways People React to Bids for Connection

The opportunity for emotional connection is possible every time we engage in a conversation. Gottman’s concept is simple. When we talk to people there is a possibility of three outcomes from the other person:

1. to come closer (Turning Toward)
2. to go further way (Turning Away)
3. to stay at a neutral place.

Happily married couples bid for connection often. Happily married couples turn towards each other and bid with interest, smiles, humour and shared meanings. They develop a reciprocal interest sharing kind of relationship.

How the partner responds to an emotional bid is important. When someone makes an emotional big for connection often and is rejected by their partner, the relationship suffers. This is called “unrequited turning.” When a partner’s attempts for connection are not met, the partner stops trying and a relationship sours. Unhappy marriages rarely bid at all, creating a type of “roommate marriage.” People hardly rebid at all in marriages headed for divorce.

Turning Away Responses to Bids for Attention

Common Turning Away obstacles to connection in relationship include:

1. Passive, noncommittal responses
2. Preoccupied, ignoring responses
3. Disregarding responses
4. Interrupting and changing the subject responses

Turning Against Responses to Bids for Attention

The Turning Against responses was negative and angry. These types of responses included:

1. Belligerent responses such as being provocative, or wanting to pick a fight.

2. Contradicting and disparaging responses, such as wanting to debate and disagree, although less hostile than belligerence responses.

3. Domineering responses included attempts to control, get the other person to back off or be submissive.

4. Critical responses such as blaming and judgments made on the other person. Sentences that start out with blaming statements like “You always…” are critical responses.

5. Defensive responses include the statements of saying, “It’s not my fault.” in irritation and relinquishing responsibility.

Responding with Turning Away or attack are subtle ways of saying ” I don’t care to be bothered by you.” Feelings of loss and disappointment bring trouble to a relationship. The Turning Away From and the Turning Against responses created hurt, disappointment, anxiety, and discouragement, which then affected the quality of the marriage.

Differences Between Men and Women

Gottman’s research says that men hold the key to whether the relationship will succeed or not. When the husband is mindful of his responses to his wife and shows interest and caring, there is more of a chance for a happy marriage. In happy marriages, husbands turned towards their wives more than men from unhappy marriages. Women usually turned towards the husband’s bids whether the marriage was happy are not.

When both turned against each other, husbands typically became hostile or suppressed their emotions. When spouses typically turned away from each other’s positive bids for attention, both respond with more hostility during arguments. Disconnected couples hardly talked to each other and failed to connect.

His research showed that in general, men are more critical and irritable than women when they are stressed in talking about a difficult subject. Men were more likely to ” fight or flight,” while women were more likely to “tend and befriend.” The wives ability to stay calm and interested during a confrontation helped keep the husband stable.

Speak Sweetly When You Start a Sticky Subject

Soft start-ups when beginning a serious discussion are important in creating a climate for problem solution. Soft start-ups include statements like, “I was worried when you didn’t call. I really appreciate it when I know your change of schedule.” or “Honey, I need a new dress. Could we sit down and discuss our budget?” Soft start-ups being with something positive, express gratitude and start with the word “I” instead of “You.” Complaints are presented in a hopeful, helpful way so that problems can be resolved, not debated.

Harsh start-ups begin with a demand or accusation set the tone for anger in the fight. Think of the guests on the Jerry Springer show who start out with ugly, angry words and then escalate. ! Harsh set ups start the word “You” which is followed by a complaint. They jump right into complaining without setting the climate for a resolution of the problem. They focus on what is wrong and make judgmental comments about the person’s character. Hurtful criticism includes blaming, demands and set the tone of being willing to fight. Anytime you hear yourself saying “You never…” or “You always…” you are using a harsh start up.

Stockpiling of complaints is bringing up several unresolved disputes at once. Past hurts and unresolved problems are heaped on the current issue. Adding on many unresolved issues from the past will get discussion off track and nothing will get resolved.

The Crabby Habit of Mind

Gottman noted that some people consistently look for the wrong doings of their partners and then find it. Looking for the worst and then commenting on it can be a bad habit. Critical, judgmental people are usually met with Turning Away or Turning Against responses.

You get what you put out. It is important for couples to develop a positive emotional bank account filled with positive bidding and returned interest. Some people practice seeing the good in things and build up a habit of being positive. Optimistic people invest more in relationships.

The Flooding of Stress Related Hormones can Send Fights Spinning Out of Control

The “fight or flight” response is a reaction to stress left over from our cave-man days. Flooding happens in people who become angry quickly. Hormones flood in to prepare the person to take care of himself in threatening situations. Adrenalin courses through the bloodstream to prepare for action. Physical sign of flooding are feeling energized, hot, shallow breathing, pounding heart and muscle tension.

Unfortunately, common sense is thrown out the window when you become flooded. You say things you do not mean. Ugly words are tossed out. You shut off listening to your partner and sometimes go for the jugular vein. The over-excited behaviours that accompany flooding are you at your worst. Loud voices and rude behaviour during an argument create even more conflict in the relationship, and the problem does not get worked out.

You are always responsible for your anger. Time outs to calm yourself and bring you back to your right mind are the recommendations given to people who flood. Time outs can be established in advance with the purpose of helping the relationship. They can be stated as “For the good of the relationship, I need to go calm myself down. I’ll cool off then we can talk further.” Abrupt leavings without warning are not helpful.

You can learn to ask to be excused to get back to your right mind. You need to agree to return to the discussion and not just sweep the unresolved issue under the rug. People have different amounts of time that they need to calm down before they can return and discuss the issue in a quieter manner.

Avoiding the Confrontation You Need to Hear

Some families are conflict avoidant. This creates feelings of frustration, problems never being solved and building up of resentment in one partner, which sometimes results in big blow-ups. Sometimes it is not the right time to talk about a problem. Sometimes one partner refuses to discuss the problem. Little problems do need to be addressed before they grow into big ones. Gottman noticed three ways of dealing with conflict when one partner did not want to talk”

1. Attack the partner and defend the self (You pay for this by having a partner who will shut down eventually.)

2. Avoid, deny or minimize when there is a problem (You pay for this by having a partner who remains angry. Anger builds up, as there is no escape valve for it to release.)

3. Disclose feelings and connect with the partner. (If the time for talking out the problem is not appropriate, make a date to talk at a better time.)

Why are people conflict avoidant? Fights cause adrenalin to course through the body. Arguments make them upset and they do not like to feel that way. The high emotional arousal (nervous stomach, shortness of breath, fear reaction, etc.) that conflict-avoidant people have can be addressed through the Energy Psychology techniques. You can learn to stay to quell these physiological reactions that accompany feeling threatened.

Practice Emotional Bidding and Responses to Create Happy Lives

So the research says that how you respond to your partner’s bids for attention depends on whether you have a happy, loving relationship or not. Positive engagement by couples increases affection and interest while having an argument.

The moral of Gottman’s research? Kindness works. Respect is crucial. Show interest in what your partner says and you will build up big dividends in your relationship. Look for the good in your partner and make it known. Say what you like out loud and you will get more of it. Men, pay attention to the emotional needs of your wife. Return your partner’s bids with positive interest and you will have more happiness in your life.

Resources

Gottman, John and DeClaire, Joan. The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide for Building Better Communications for Family, Friends and Lovers.  

Gottman, John and Schwartz-Gottman, Julie. Why Marriages Succeed and Fail

Book summarized by Lynne Namka, Ed. D

What I have noticed and what Psychologist Bruce Stevens has commented on is that most of what we experience as bad behaviour from our partner is not intentional. Most people are unaware of what is a stake for their partner. They are unaware, or worse, the relationship does not matter that much to them or they not highly committed.

You many have entered into a relationship with someone who has low emotional intelligence, therefore they don’t easily put themselves in your shoes. Not everyone has an equal proportion of emotional intelligence. Their lack of empathy therefore means they are unaware of the impact of their behaviour on you.

What can you do about this? You need to ask yourself what role you have in your choice of partner and what your responsibility is. You may have misjudged your partner’s emotional commitment to the relationship. You may have way too much at stake. Your partner is likely acting based on their investment in the relationship, so they come across as cruel.

Dr Stevens asks the question, “Why are we attracted to mean people?” Examples from literature and movies abound on this point, “Beauty and the Beast” and “Pretty Woman” are just two examples that illustrate the fantasy of being attracted to the “bad boy” or distant man and tying to change him.

Years ago while at University I worked at my brother-in-laws pub and bistro washing dishes (a noble profession). I noticed that a guy newly released from prison was sitting at the front bar surrounded by women, while at the other end an accountant sat alone. The nice guys can appear too boring, but the ‘bad boys’ though exciting are often unstable and dangerous. Myths about ‘taming the beast’ perpetuate the incorrect notion that a person can be changed by their partner. Change occurs when a person is committed to changing themselves. They can do this with the aid of counselling. Though they can be supported by their partner they cannot be changed by them. 

Whether you are involved with an exciting but dangerous character or your partner does not share the same level of need for intimacy or commitment, your journey together is likely to become a storm-tossed voyage rather than a safe haven.  This can be addressed though with therapy and commitment to working on these issues.

David Nielsen Counselling Services

Sadly, in some cases the caller is correct in their belief that nothing can be done. That is, their partner’s resistance to counselling is an indication that the relationship is either over or nearing an end. If you believe that your partner refuses to attend couples counselling because they have no intention of continuing the relationship, it might be advisable to seek individual therapy to gain support for the emotional turmoil that can accompany the ending of a relationship.

If, on the other hand, you believe that your partner wants the relationship to continue but is simply reluctant to participate in the process of resolving difficult issues, there are several things that you might be able to do. If it feels comfortable for you to do so, offer to let your partner choose the couples counsellor. By interviewing prospective counsellors on the phone, your partner might begin to feel that counselling is a safe place to talk about difficult relationship issues. By allowing your partner to choose the counsellor, he or she might feel more in control of a situation that is otherwise making them feel uncomfortable.

Another option is to suggest that the two of you agree to attend one couples counselling session so that you can talk in a safe place about how you each feel, and about what options you might have for your relationship. Finally, you might want to consider telling your partner that you intend to see a couple’s counsellor by yourself to talk about the relationship. This is an effective strategy that has worked well for several of my clients. After a few individual sessions, the counsellor can contact the resistant partner to invite them into therapy. My experience has been that, in some cases, the simple act of one person starting couples counselling compels the other partner to begin attending joint sessions. At other times, a phone call or a letter from me has been a supportive form of reassurance for the apprehensive partner.

In the end, however, it is important to remember that you have no control over your partner, and there is nothing that you or a couple’s counsellor can do to force your partner into counselling. So, remember it is easier to attract bees with honey than vinegar.

David Nielsen is a couple and marriage counsellor in Canberra

Be willing to go beyond flowers, dinner and chocolates for Valentine’s day.

Give the gift of intimacy. It will last longer than a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers.

Here are 12 ways to deepen your intimacy.

1.     Make it emotionally safe to bring up difficult subjects.

2.     Work on making your partners dreams come true

3.     Greet each other with a kiss that lasts for more than 6 seconds *

4.     Listen with openness and curiosity.

5.     Attempt to elicit a fuller range of feelings during discussions and disagreements. This is how you really get to know your partner.

6.     Respect your partner’s desire for greater distance or closeness as expressing a need for comfort don’t make it as personal rejection.

7.     Listen without comment during disagreements (don’t butt in), despite strong feelings being stirred.

8.     Maintain perspective. Value that there are other ways of seeing things.

9.     Be honest with yourself. True intimacy with another can’t really happen until we are intimate and honest with compassion towards ourselves.

10.  Dare to expose your imperfections and fears. This is especially difficult since it goes against the instinct for self-protection.

11.  Avoid depending on your partner to fulfil all your emotional and social needs.

12.  Don’t use affection, sex and loving behaviour to reward or punish. Remember that understanding is more than just repeating back what your partner is telling you. If you really understand, you will be able to recap the importance, significance and/or implication of what your partner is telling you.

Understanding and acceptance is something we all crave. Giving it is a priceless gift.

Happy Valentine’s Day

·         * John Gottman

I am a relationship counsellor. You may not realise that not all counsellors, therapists and psychologists are specifically trained in relationship counselling. General counselling and psychology training covers only one or two units related to working with couples. Specific training in couples, marriage or relationship counselling is necessary and important to achieve effective results with relationship issues.  It’s unfortunate that some psychologists and counsellors in Australia are working with couples without having specific training or skills in this area.

When you are searching for a relationship counsellor think about asking them the following questions that were developed by Steven Meineke.

“Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?” If the therapist is self-taught or workshop-trained, and can’t point to a significant education in this work, then consider looking elsewhere.

“What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?” You may want to avoid therapists who mostly do individual therapy.

“What are your values about the importance of keeping a marriage together when there are problems?” If the therapist says he or she is “neutral” or “I don’t try to save marriages, I just try to help people,” consider looking elsewhere.

“What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?” If the therapist responds by saying he or she only focuses on helping each partner clarify his or her own personal feelings and decisions, consider looking elsewhere for a therapist.

“Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction with the relationship?” “What percentage break up while they are seeing you?” “What percentage do not improve?” “What do you think makes the difference in these results?” If someone says 100 percent stay together, I would be concerned, and if they say that staying together is not a measure of success for them, I would also be concerned.

A good counsellor should ask you for feedback about your counselling experience it is very important to give this feedback and make adjustments if it is not working for you.  Again Steven makes the following observations.

Skilled marriage counsellors will not sit there passively while you and your spouse spend most of the session fighting just like you do at home; they will interrupt your unproductive fights to offer guidelines and suggestions for better communication.

Skilled marriage counsellors will almost always see you and your spouse together and are highly unlikely to suggest ongoing individual therapy sessions.

Skilled marriage counsellors won’t pick sides or focus on one partner as the main cause of the marital problems; they will try to help you and your partner participate equally in resolving issues as a team.

Skilled marriage counsellors are not neutral; they are advocates of healthy marriage. Although skilled marriage counsellors value individual happiness, they realise that many individuals have never experienced the quality of happiness that can be achieved in a marriage relationship that is equal, intimate and enduring. You may have moments during therapy when you want to throw in the towel, but you should be able to expect your therapist to be the last person in the room to give up.

A skilled marriage counsellor will never directly tell you to stay married or get divorced; in fact, giving such direct advice is against the code of ethics of most professional associations.

Many people report having regrets about their divorce, some divorces are preventable, and many leave a marriage to soon and tend to repeat the same mistakes. I my opinion it is important to give is all you have got to make your relationship work.  If we want to change our relationship its best to begin with oneself and ask questions of people who know something about having a successful relationship.

How to Choose a Marriage Counsellor by Steven E. Meineke, M.A., M.Div.
(The original version of this article was published in San Diego Family Magazine, May 2000)

Good communication is really about having good listening skills, most people really don’t listen in order to understand rather one anecdote tends to inspire another something like a game of badminton.  People often feel very lonely even in a relationship they can be careful not to open up out of a fear of judgement.   The Swiss Physician Paul Tournier said true dialogue is very rare – in conversations each follows his or her own line; ideas pass each other by without meaning.

To listen well we need to put aside our desire to give advice or fix a problem and let the other person tell us what they need, we need to put aside our agenda.  We are so unpractised and unfamiliar with knowing how to connect with each other that the idea of simply listening with no agenda seems silly because we can’t see how that could make a difference.

I thought the young man might have done better to comfort his friend by asking her what she wanted to say to her grandmother or even just say “that’s really difficult”. He could not fix the problem but perhaps she might have felt less isolated by her grief. 

Jason Headle as developed a brilliant video clip that demonstrates something of what it takes to be a good communicator.    Have a look at Jason’s video clip.

Paul. Tournier: A Listening Ear.

It’s Not About the Nail from Jason Headle

The short answer is “no”.  However, studies have shown that the average persons waits two weeks before seeing a doctor regarding a medical problem and up to six years before they seek help for personal or relationship issue.  Even in the presents of a loved one struggling with a serious addiction some families can wait up to seven to ten years before seeking help.  Reasons being that many people and families find it easier to accommodate the addiction or challenging behaviour rather  than confront the problem head on.

This often means that when a couple, family or individual eventually comes to visit a counsellor there can be a significant  history of resentment, frustration and failed attempts to deal with things.  On some occasions one partner can feel so stressed and exhausted with trying in their situation that that don’t feel they have any more energy left to work on their relationship. This in combination with a feeling that there is almost no hope that their partner is going to make any changes, as they have tried their best already to ask for some changes, without any reasonable results, can leave them feeling that they just don’t have it in them to keep trying.

Having said that, most of us realise that splitting up is not exactly an easy solution either, with huge negative effects on members of the family, as well as financial, personal and social disadvantages.

A trained counsellor can offer a way through this to give you the opportunity to see what the potential of your relationship is, for a win-win relationship for both of you, without the exhausted partner feeling they have to commit indefinitely to a long unknown process.

Usually, in every relationship, there are good aspects, which most couples would like to preserve. Then there are also problematic aspects which need resolving in an effective way.

However, if no progress is made and separation occurs it is often easier to deal with the after effects of a break-up  if you feel you have given it every effort to work, and some couples who go through counselling even if the outcome of the relationship might be separation tend to have a better post divorce relationship and therefore much better co-parenting relationship. 

Source David Schnarch, PhD: “Passionate Marriage”